Love that Lasts: Choosing a Compatible Spouse in Islam
Making the right choice of partner is key to achieving lasting love and a successful marriage according to Islamic teachings.
Falling in love with the wrong person is a painful experience that many of us can relate to. The truth is, we all have the potential to fall for someone who is not good for us, no matter our age, gender, or background. It is not a reflection of our worth or intelligence, but rather a common human flaw that we can learn to recognize and avoid.
In order to understand why we may be prone to falling in love with the wrong person, it’s important to examine our own emotions and patterns of behavior. Oftentimes, we may be drawn to individuals who have qualities that we desire, such as confidence, charisma, or humor, but lack other important traits like kindness, honesty, or commitment. We may also fall into familiar patterns from past relationships, repeating the same mistakes and choosing partners who are not a good match for us.
The fear of being alone can also be a driving force behind falling for the wrong person. It can be difficult to resist the allure of someone who seems to fulfill our emotional needs, even if we know on some level that the relationship is not healthy or sustainable. We may cling to the hope that they will change or that we can change them, often to our own detriment.
The good news is that we can break free from these patterns and learn to love in a healthier way. It all begins with self-awareness and a willingness to take a closer look at our own needs and values within Islamic prespecive. We can work on building our own confidence, recognizing our own worth, and setting boundaries that protect us from toxic relationships.
In Islam, choosing a compatible spouse is of utmost importance. The Quran and hadith; sayings of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, provide guidance on the qualities to seek in a partner and warn against rushing into relationships.
The Quran urges believers to find spouses who will help each other fulfill God’s commandments:
“And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (Quran 30:21)
The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, advised choosing a spouse based on religious commitment, character and compatibility over physical attraction alone:
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment…Choose the one who is best in religious commitment, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Al-Bukhari)
Real life case of Manal, a young Egyptian woman, fell in love with a colleague who consumed alcohol and did not abide by Islam priorities. Though she deeply cared for him, she realized they had different priorities and values. With patience and perseverance, Manal ended the relationship. She eventually married a compassionate husband, and they raised a God-conscious family. It takes courage to recognize that we may be falling for the wrong person and to take steps to change our patterns of behavior. But by doing so, we can open ourselves up to the possibility of finding love that is healthy, fulfilling, and long-lasting. We all deserve to be with someone who brings out the best in us and helps us to grow as individuals.
Discover the essential highlights:
• We often know relatively quickly whether someone is a good match for us, but still proceed with the relationship anyway.
• Loneliness and lack of self-esteem can cause us to "settle" for someone who is not right for us, just to not be single.
• It's not always about major character clashes, but the dynamics between two people that make a relationship unsuitable.
• The relationship where we know from the start that it wouldn't go anywhere, but we continue with the person because we enjoy our company. However, we are not reciprocate our feelings.
• Relationships that aren't right stem from imbalances in needs, desires, and expectations between two people. Their goals, values and personalities may not be compatible in the long run.
• The lesson is that we should be honest with ourselves and our partners about whether a relationship has potential. Otherwise we risk leading someone on or getting more deeply involved when we know it's not right.
Situations to Avoid
• Someone who is inconsistent in Islam as a daily priority
• Those who have incompatible goals in life and marriage
• An unbeliever or one who does not respect your religious identity
Solutions and Advice
• Develop God-consciousness and maintain a heart open to guidance
• Look for compatibility in religious commitment, character and goals
• Avoid rushing into relationships based purely on feelings
• Seek guidance from wise friends, family and Muslim scholars
• Remember that patience, prayer and determination can help you choose a compatible spouse blessed by Allah
In conclusion, love is a natural human emotion, but falling in love with the wrong person can lead to hardship and heartbreak. Falling in love with the right person - one who matches you in faith, values and goals - holds the greatest potential for a harmonious and blessed marriage in this life and the next. May Allah guide us to righteous spouses.